I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
