You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
