i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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