i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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