i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
