So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
