um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
