I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
