omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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