mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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