I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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