It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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