i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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