TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
