He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
