We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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