hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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