I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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