The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
