dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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