i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
