so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
