he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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