I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Randomize
