So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
