You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
