Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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