I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
