Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
