i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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