Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
