just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
