so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
