Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
