i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
