We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she pinky promised me she was 18
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
