I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
