Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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