I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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