Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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