So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
