Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.