Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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