Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
