Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
