I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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