guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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