My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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