is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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