Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
