I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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