i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
