i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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