i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize