ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
