your thong is hanging out like whoa
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My dick has a subreddit
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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