Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
im having a threesome with these popsicles
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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