I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
