I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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