Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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