we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
