so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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