That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
